Wasn’t this MY idea?

ImageWhy is there so much confusion about my choice?  Don’t I know exactly how I feel?  Didn’t I spend a considerable amount of time and money in therapy to help me make this decision?  Then why is it so hard?  Separating from my husband has been on my mind and in my heart for nearly two years and finally I made that choice to do so.  So why now (NOW!!!) am I questioning everything again?  I thought I was past the point of second-guessing myself!  I thought I was sure.  What the hell??  Why do I want to just be home with my husband and snuggle into him?  When that’s something we rarely, if ever, did before.  Why do I feel like a complete a-hole every time I see him?  Well, because you have completely disrupted (I will not say ruined) his life.  Is this just guilt calling me back to him?  For putting him through this?  Or is this really love?  I want love:  the deep, soul-filled, emotional kind.  And I don’t know if we can ever have that kind.  I know we never have.  Ironically, we have been texting more about our relationship.  God forbid either of us actually speak to the other person.  Lord, it is just so hard for me to open up to him.  As it is for me with most people.  We both admitted it is easier to do so in a text without worrying about the reaction of the other person.  And I even admitted to him (via text of course) that we’ve never had an open and emotional relationship.  Does that mean we never can?  Who knows!  And as I was getting my stuff together to head to our rental house, I texted him and said I just wish I could stay home tonight.  Part of me wondered if he’d even respond; another part wondered if he’d call me back home; and yet another part wondered if he’d make me stay at the rental.  He knows I need this separation.  I texted him and said so.  His response to my wanting to stay at home last night was this:  “I know you do [want to come home].  And I’m dreading going there tomorrow.”  It kills me that we’re going through this, yet on some level I know that we are both growing and learning.  So, despite his hurt and pain and anger at me and the situation, he is the one keeping me at arms length because he knows I need it.  I dont’ know why I need it, but I do.  It doesn’t mean I’m not scared to death and unsure of every damn thing in my life now…..but through it all he’s been a good friend.  And I pray that we’ll come out of the other side of this the same way.  Whichever way this turns out.

Crumbling all around me

I’ve just come off a weekend where my husband and I told our three young children that we are separating. It is now Monday morning and my eyes are still red and swollen from all tears of the last two days. While this is an amicable separation, the grief and sadness about our changing lives has overtaken me. I am glad we waited a month before telling them because it gave me and my husband time to grieve for ourselves. Now we grieve for our family dynamic and ourselves. Despite this sadness, I believe this is the right move for all of us. That through this we will learn strength, compassion, love and communication. Day by day is the only way….this is one great lesson I have finally learned in this school called life. And not a moment too soon. I was always one to look ahead to the future or back on the past and was constantly missing out on the present. And even though I knew I was doing it, I was powerless to stop it. Or so I thought. The uncertainty of my future has me solely living in the present. There is no fear of the future, mind you, just so many possibilities that overwhelm me. I just try to maintain my hope for a positive, happy, blessings-filled life for all of us.